How often do you practice those things you preach?

Over the last few months I've been obsessed with these words: "kindness, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, peace and love". I heard them during my practice one day when I was particularly extremely sad, and oh man! did they make a difference!
But it all seemed forgotten when I started holding on to this grudge, anger, sadness and bitterness about something that I have no stake at, nor can I do anything to change. So when I woke up this morning, I started thinking about my hypocrisy, how do I even dare to talk to other people about letting it go and love those around you? Well while I do acknowledge that I was wrong, I also noticed remembered that the kindness must be applied to one self too.

soundtrack

The perks (pains) of being (nice) a bitch

I can't even remember what was this about in the first place. Anyways, as I am sitting here in my bedroom thinking it's probably not a good idea to vent about my issues right now, I will just say this, I don't care!
Y'all got issues, don't you? I know we do, I know I do... Yes I might have said too many times how I think I'm doing better and getting over mine. BS! I'm not going anywhere, or maybe it is just one of those times when I'm having a meltdown. I remember how I thought about so many things that would make sense in this post while I was in the shower or just working but somehow I've forgotten most of it. Yeah, try to remember what you thought about last week after a few beers and then you tell me.
And by you, who am I talking to? I know whenever I do something like writing here, my words go somewhere where people are reading and probably thinking what the fuck.
But that doesn't matter because I'm trying to be nice. I came to realize that I am passive aggressive, yeah pretty obvious the title now isn't it? [Lately] I try to be nice when what I really want is to be a bitch, oh no! there are some things that are not really that cool mister, NOT COOL! Do you even know what a feeling is like? My guess is that you don't, if you do, you do (passive aggressive alert), for what I care is that you broke my heart (sort of) and now I just need some time off. In the mean time I'll keep pretending.

Let go 2

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C. S. Lewis

Pues resulta que estaba platicando con una amiga que precisamente fue la que me enseño a sentirme feliz por esa persona que fue parte de mi vida (cuento largo, pero que la verdad termino bien) y me di cuenta que era momento de avanzar. Ese paso que sigue, ese que muchas veces no quieres dar, pero que es necesario. Sentirse feliz por la persona que alguna vez amaste y ahora es parte de la vida de alguien mas, en mi caso no es facil,  pero asi es la vida. Soltar, dejar ir, pasar a lo que sigue. De otra forma, estamos atrapados en un laberinto sin salida. Gracias a mi amiga, gracias a mi vida que me da nuevos comienzos, cosas bonitas, personas bonitas [suspiros, muchos, y los que me faltan]. Quizá es el momento que debía llegar, quizas eres tu esa persona que completa mis momentos, mientras lo descubro y te descubro...

yeah yeah yeah yeah

I get this bittersweet moment when I think about last Thursday, without going into details, I can admit that I make the worst decisions ever. But that is not the main point here, my whining about the consequence is. As it turns out, I can't deal with the consequences of my poor decision making process and I usually end up with the results kicking me in the ass. Even if this result is not common to ALL my decisions in life, it is to some of the most crucial (emotionally/relationship wise).

As a result of this "thinking" I started wondering, how many of you out there share this feeling, how many of you own your shit and keep yourselves together? How do you know if what you are doing is what you really want. Beyond that, if you've faced a time when you made a crucial decision, did you whine about your consequences just like me?

What if we were given absolute power on the things we want to get, would the consequences of our actions be so overwhelming for our simple selves to handle? Would the decisions we'd make then define us? Up to this moment, I haven't really thought that far. I'm just here wondering my what if's, thinking about why I've been making the decisions I made and some trivial things, such as what to make for dinner.

50 years y sin embargo siempre volvemos...

I believe there is a surgeon general report for drinking too and yet I am writing under the influence (WUI?). However, that isn't my point, what I wanted to write about is how we get engaged in all those sweet delicious self-destructing habits. Yeah, we know smoking is bad but some people still do it (I'm not going to say that I don't because I've been weak lately... just don't tell my fellow public health professionals). Even though we acknowledge that something is bad for us, we insist on doing it and my ideas are not clear as to why it happens. It could be SM, it could be that we just love how we feel while doing those guilty "pleasures". Now that I say we "love", como dice Shakira "siempre volvemos a amar" y es que amar es una de esas cosas que hacemos una y otra vez aunque duela.
Before I get into the whole english-spanish blah blah blah, I gotta say that I'm guilty as charge of whatever the case I am trying to build here. I somehow end up in the weirdest/worst/most painful situations ever. If you'd ask me why, I could not come up with a straight answer. Maybe it is just that love is just like smoking. No, let me take that back, it is not love what is wrong, it's all about the choices we make regarding love. Ok! not us, but myself. I make horrible choices and that is a fact (don't ask). Anyways, doing certain things out of "love" can be a rough path if you ask me but somehow they're addictive, you can't stop (ask me again). I just want to pretend I am one of those MadMen guys and pretend I don't know the consequences.
So happy 50th surgeon general report on smoking :)
 

let go

Este post lo tenía pensado desde hace más de un mes. Aunque las circunstancias que me habían traído aquí siguen siendo las mismas, mis sentimientos y pensamientos han ido cambiando poco a poco. El 5 de Noviembre pensaba empezar con una frase de esas que te recuerdan cuando traes todo lo de adentro hecho cachitos, pero a la vez tienes esa sensación de ardor continuo que no se quita aunque llores. Algo así como el hueco en el estómago que se hace cuando escuchas algo que no es lo que esperabas. Ese hueco fue el que sentí cuando escuché lo que me dijeron sobre mi futuro en unas cartas, y es que nunca había tenido esa experiencia (la de las cartas). Básicamente me dijeron que tenía que dejar ir, "move on".

Eso precisamente me llevó a pensar en un par de veces cuando tuve que "dejar ir" y tuve ese sentimiento en el pecho y en el estómago. Si hay algo que recuerdo claramente al respecto, es lo difícil que me resultó dejar de pensar en esas situaciones/personas/emociones. Es que, en conclusión, soy una aferrada. Y tampoco es que quiera presumir de alguna receta infalible (aunque practicar yoga ayuda y mucho), o quejarme desconsolada. Lo único que puedo hacer ahora es escribir aquí y tratar de dejar ir.

All the Jasmines, Annas and Cathys

I’m not gonna lie, this post just came right to my head, and yes it is because I got obsessed with Blue Jasmine. Without being a Woody’s fan, I have to say that it is exquisite and terrifying, not because I can relate to the jet setting life style whatsoever, after all I’m just a broke grad student. The point of that movie being terrifying-exquisite is that of putting meds (you know which kind) and traumatic episodes of one’s life in a movie. So there you go, I felt like I could somehow end up talking to myself…scary uh? Well as much as it was scary/sad it had all the right amount of sadness to make it funny. I just couldn’t help it but cracking up whenever she started talking incessantly about herself and thus making other people annoyed. 

Furthermore, with the latest update on my life situation, it seemed just like the right movie to watch after Elizabeth Wurtzel’s story (meds again) or just how one can be pretty fucked up. Somehow all this chain of events led me to think, just this morning on the bus, how I’ve been mildly(?) obsessed all my life with female characters who, let’s face it, are fucked up (yeah, this is me using fucked up over and over again, I may be obsessed with that one too). And this obsession is not recent, no sir, it goes way back in time (>15 years maybe?). After struggling these last few days to remember what Madame Bovary’s name was, whose last name I couldn’t even remember. It just struck me today, Jasmine and Elizabeth were coming to join Emma’s club, but the club is not exclusive to Emma, oh no way. Anna Karenina is one of my “all-time” favorite books, damn it, I absolutely loved that book. So there you go, Anna is there, with Cathy, remember her? She fucking suffered to the point it was unbelievable. Sorry Emily, I love you but you were pretty fucked up yourself too, and I am just jealous I could never be a talented writer. Then, a week ago, just to catch up with the mental issues I went to watch Marla on fight club being an unconditional/puppy-like lover (which by the way happened on a midnight screening, where, I fitted in just perfectly).

Interestingly enough, my “lady-names obsession club” could not be complete without having other female tormented martyrs from my own ethnicity: Teresa aka badass/drugdealer/I’m-a-slut-but-I-don’t-care-I’m-great-at-this Mendoza (I know it is cliché and all but it’s Reverte’s masterpiece and extremely delicious, yes I’m calling a book “delicious”); Catalina Guzman (even the book title was drama-like and they just screwed it up with the awful movie); Clemencia; Tita and then the very best Sierva María de todos los Ángeles. And so my list goes on and on and there was a moment where it was getting diverse including Adelines and Mikages. But, now it is neither spanding nor diversifying, why? It seems like I’m in the middle of this reading/writing/depressing block that has left me empty. And I just can’t get over it by myself, so it all goes back to the Blue Jasmine situation. I need to think about to meds or not to meds.

But the rambling doesn’t stop here, I then started to think about the names going all the way to music, what about Corinne? Caroline (personal – stars)? Even my name is in one or two songs (that I know of), one of them über-lame I know (I was never into guns and roses but hey, something must be better than nothing). Wait, I’m getting distracted here, the whole point was to shred my obsession with female names involved with some kind of drama in their lives and now I’m talking about songs? Argh, I just can’t do one thing without the other, there’s music and there’s books… maybe a bit of tv and I could talk about Piper and how that show makes lesbians interesting but I'll skip that (for now).  


Oh! And this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9Qp7ZNJq7A