A short moment in the life of an ivy league reject

So it turns out that I got the email I have been waiting for, well two emails actually. It seems for now I will not be going to the two most super fancy schools. I do have an acceptance letter, and I mean the whole package (EPA scholarship included) for those who may or may not read this, EPA is the Environment Protection Agency in USA. I feel dissapointed as I wanted to move to New Haven or Boston, eventhough I have a secret crush with NYC and Santa Monica... I am still trying Ann Harbor, but I do not trust my odds anymore, neither for BU.

Today is a day off, and I am happy for that. However, the happiness is not complete as I feel PMSy.

Radiografía of a break up

one of the hardest things for me these days is looking at my grandpa looking after her or just looking. Right next to her bed, he stays up or at least he tries to stand up, he uses a walking stick after all and he's about ten years older than she is. Who would have thought it would end like this? Just this afternoon my dad was telling me the story on how my grandpa managed to survive malaria and he kept insisting I should thank Paul Ehrlich for my grandpa's survival. "He invented chemoterapy... And when your grandpa was diagnosed with malaria, it was neosalvarsan which saved grandpa's life..." Those were his words (kind of). Tonight, as I am writing this, I decided to google this guy Paul and there's something mentioned about syphilis which is freaking me out, so I better ask for the story again tomorrow.

Seeing my dad devastated is breaking my heart. My grandpa standing next to her is causing me another heartache as well. Sixty years + that's more or less the time they've spent together. They went away together when he was almost 15 or so (that's the official story). Actually I would not be surprised if the story was a bit different, he is over 90 so I would have some doubts. Etiher way that is D-E-V-O-T-I-O-N (¡no mamadas!) (sorry about that I needed to express myself). I know from the source, he was not the best back in the day. I also acknowledge some slapping and indifference. Nevertheless, he was always a hard working man. One of those you can't take away from sugar cane fields...

The recent diversity statement contained one thing or two about my family background and why this ivy league should take me in. I still didn't include her and I'm having my thoughts about that. I have been going everyday to take a look at her but somehow it is like if she wasn't there anymore. I recognize her face but I do not see her there and my heart goes into pieces. This idea keeps coming to my head along with my daily nightmares: "Women take the worst part you know, they give birth, they have their periods, they breast feed, menopause, etc. and when all is gone, then osteoporosis shows up, or go figure which disease will come next..." Similar words I heard when I was in College from this male teacher and they have been with me ever since. Within my family this has been sort of true, aunt died of breast cancer, sister of grandma cervical cancer, and so on. Right now, my cousin is dying of autoinmune disease, while her mother (just like grandma) is a diabetic and about to loose sight.

Yesterday she was not sleeping, I can not be sure if she was fully awake while I fed her with the formula. Today she was sleeping, I guess the whole day and with a saline solution on. I fucking hate that, I do not want to see her like this. I do not want my dad to loose her, I wish I wasn't so bitchy and didn't want to visit her that often. I hate myself for being such a cold hearted bitch! But what I hate the most is that I'm being a witness of a forced break up between grandpa and her.

Epilogue: Tonight I had my own personal break up, I asked my significant other to leave. For him, it was not hard at all. As for me, well I can't tell exactly how I feel. I guess in 60 years from now (if I still exist, I personally hope not) I will not have devotion next to me.

all out of love

Just now I was thinking about that song, somehow it just came to me. It is soooo cheesy I know it. To be the first day of the year I do not think it has been very promising. I feel like there's a lack of something in my life. This may sound like too much drama but I do feel there is something missing. Honestly I don't have a lot to complain about, there's enough to carry out a simple life. However, I would like to have that extra. Perhaps I need a proof of what I have been told is there for me. Maybe and I say maybe that is what I am looking for. Sometimes I know I am wrong and it's right in front of me, I can accept it. But now it is just that I do not think it's fair. Why would I need to accept blank reactions? Where is this all "I don't care" coming from?

Paranoia is another piece to my personal puzzle, my trust issues have grown ten sizes. Up to now they maybe XXL, as I don't firmly believe everything I hear. A desired response from my side would be just some attention. That's it! Once in a while is good to remember how things were in the first place. I wish that would happen, I wish I didn't have this feeling of "climbing backwards" (trying hard enough to stop going so fast that my ankles hurt). I want so desperately to be right and to have that missing part of me.

christmas eve eve &some of these holidays

"...And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when..."

So that's it, I so don't care how many times we all have listened to that song, I still like it. I bring it up just because last wednesday at our christmas eve eve (urban dictionary term) celebration as usual we were a bit drunk and that song was in the drunk playlist (as usual). Anyway, this christmas was less private than last year's and nevertheless I can say 2009 has been better than 08 and way way better than 2007. This was a year of unprecedented stuff. I would have never thought back in 2005-6 a.k.a "dark side period" or years of hell, that this year would be the way it turned out to be. And why would I say something like this?

Well, let's go over some facts:

1. Went to NY (and not just to visit but to MSSM!!)
2. Visited Ireland & Croatia which I have never been before
3. Overcame some marriage issues
4. Quit smoking for good this time
5. Roquefort came into our lives

It may not be much and I may expect a lot more to come on 2010 but I do hope my dreams come true and we change our state of residence to Connecticut. I know one thing is certain, I may not have a dreamy princess-like life or the happily ever after marriage but I am happy. I like to think I am blessed to be me. Even if the ivy education does not come my way now it will and I think I have what it takes.

PS. God bless advil max for taking those cramps

Perspectivas

Hoy, después de realmente no tengo idea cuanto tiempo, me decidí... Mejor dicho, dejé cosas que tenía que hacer por escribir un rato. Llegué en la mañana como si nada a mi pedazo de escritorio (es que realmente ni cubículo tengo) y me puse a "trabajar", después de un rato me enteré de algo que me dejó impresionada, triste y un poco rara. A lo largo del día han pasado algunas cosas menores que me han puesto a pensar en las perspectivas, aunque tengo que admitir que no estoy segura de que sea el mejor término posible. Digamos que me puse a pensar en qué tanto es tantito, o mejor dicho en el valor que tienen las cosas. Por lo general me la paso angustiándome por los deadlines, porque mi perro no acepta el entrenamiento, porque no tengo lana, etc etc. Después de lo que pasó hoy, creo que ni los deadlines, ni mi perro y sus issues, ni mucho menos la lana se comparan a lo que debe estar angustiando a mi amiga. Digamos que lo puso todo en una perspectiva diferente.

it's about time

These last weeks have been interesting. There is too much going on. Eventhough I have had glimpses of what my future may be like, I am still affraid I would not get what I want. Last monday as I was still making my mind about Dublin, I kept dreaming about my big plans. And here I am now just about to start...
But going back to my short work visit to Ireland, it just made me want another visit. I could have never foreseen how appealing it could be for me. All those landscapes and so many places I couldn't see, traveling by train or just even going to Belfast. I think it's all going to wait, for now.

en medio de todo

En este momento estoy teniendo uno de esos momentos (awkward moments) o mejor dicho lo que forma ya parte de mis hábitos: Esconderme detrás de cuanto pretexto encuentro y dejar lo verdaderamente importante de lado. Generalmente puedo dormir bastante bien y durante muchas más horas en comparación con algunas personas, al menos es lo que he escuchado. Hoy es diferente, mientras veo a mi hamster intentando escapar desesperada, pienso que tal vez no seamos tan diferentes después de todo. Yo también intento escapar algunas veces, intento no pensar y dejar que las cosas "pasen", pero ¿qué pasará cuando ya no tenga formas de dejar pasar todo? Hoy tengo que pensar muchas cosas y aún no empiezo. Hoy quisiera tomar una decisión basada en lo que ha pasado hasta ahora. Tal vez el hecho de haber hecho una pausa en mi escribir "en serio" sea una señal de que empezaré a hacer las cosas diferentes; tal vez no. Después de todo nunca he sido una persona de señales. En fin, veremos que pasa en los días que siguen de esta semana previa a Dublín...