one of the hardest things for me these days is looking at my grandpa looking after her or just looking. Right next to her bed, he stays up or at least he tries to stand up, he uses a walking stick after all and he's about ten years older than she is. Who would have thought it would end like this? Just this afternoon my dad was telling me the story on how my grandpa managed to survive malaria and he kept insisting I should thank Paul Ehrlich for my grandpa's survival. "He invented chemoterapy... And when your grandpa was diagnosed with malaria, it was neosalvarsan which saved grandpa's life..." Those were his words (kind of). Tonight, as I am writing this, I decided to google this guy Paul and there's something mentioned about syphilis which is freaking me out, so I better ask for the story again tomorrow.
Seeing my dad devastated is breaking my heart. My grandpa standing next to her is causing me another heartache as well. Sixty years + that's more or less the time they've spent together. They went away together when he was almost 15 or so (that's the official story). Actually I would not be surprised if the story was a bit different, he is over 90 so I would have some doubts. Etiher way that is D-E-V-O-T-I-O-N (¡no mamadas!) (sorry about that I needed to express myself). I know from the source, he was not the best back in the day. I also acknowledge some slapping and indifference. Nevertheless, he was always a hard working man. One of those you can't take away from sugar cane fields...
The recent diversity statement contained one thing or two about my family background and why this ivy league should take me in. I still didn't include her and I'm having my thoughts about that. I have been going everyday to take a look at her but somehow it is like if she wasn't there anymore. I recognize her face but I do not see her there and my heart goes into pieces. This idea keeps coming to my head along with my daily nightmares: "Women take the worst part you know, they give birth, they have their periods, they breast feed, menopause, etc. and when all is gone, then osteoporosis shows up, or go figure which disease will come next..." Similar words I heard when I was in College from this male teacher and they have been with me ever since. Within my family this has been sort of true, aunt died of breast cancer, sister of grandma cervical cancer, and so on. Right now, my cousin is dying of autoinmune disease, while her mother (just like grandma) is a diabetic and about to loose sight.
Yesterday she was not sleeping, I can not be sure if she was fully awake while I fed her with the formula. Today she was sleeping, I guess the whole day and with a saline solution on. I fucking hate that, I do not want to see her like this. I do not want my dad to loose her, I wish I wasn't so bitchy and didn't want to visit her that often. I hate myself for being such a cold hearted bitch! But what I hate the most is that I'm being a witness of a forced break up between grandpa and her.
Epilogue: Tonight I had my own personal break up, I asked my significant other to leave. For him, it was not hard at all. As for me, well I can't tell exactly how I feel. I guess in 60 years from now (if I still exist, I personally hope not) I will not have devotion next to me.
